I know His truths.
I know that obedience is better than sacrifice,
that works is nothing without faith,
that we are commanded to "Be Still"
just as we are commanded to "Go Ye Therefore".
However, I find myself calculating my worth to Him, to my family, to the Malagasy people, to my family in the States, to my friends, to the church body, through any number of ways...
- the never ending to do list
- fluency in the language
- skills that Ryleigh has or has not accomplished
- stepping on the scale twice to see if the number will change
- the fact that some of my FB friends have Christmas shopping completed
- that my child eats most of her veggies from squeeze pouches
- only understanding that the pastor preached from ____ book of the Bible and he said "Jesus"
- consistency in...well anything here.
- if skype calls happened and if they didn't is it justifiable
- the number of in depth relationships that have been formed or not
and the list could go on, and on, and on, and on...you get the picture
The slightly ironic thing is, I have a fierce desire to make sure Ryleigh knows these truths from a young age. That she is aware that I think she is smart, beautiful, and talented - no matter how much her songs may not rhyme, that she mixes up her "b" & "d", or that she has bed hair. That every single day, she hears us tell her that she is known and loved exactly as she is - no matter how many accidents she had during potty training or how many temper tantrums were thrown. As in, this is heavy on my heart EVERY day that she knows her worth is not related to what she does but comes from the fact that she was created for His glory and in His image.
So, if I feel that way about her in my human flesh, how much more so does my Father feel that way about me? If I know this as truth - where is the application in my life? Where is the grace to let go of the lists, the wonderings of what others are thinking, the rules & stipulations that are not from Him, etc? I know where the grace is - it's in Him. I just need to follow Mary's example for a little while...sit at His feet, instead of running around like crazy.
Sit and listen.
Remember that I am not my own and have been bought at the highest price.
Know He may tell me to stand and act.
Realize He may tell me to continue to be still.
Regardless, I simply can not calculate my worth
not because I am me
but because I am His.