Where Would You Like To Go?

July 7, 2014

The Not So Ugly Beautiful

It had been one of those weeks.  Nothing huge, just lots of little things and plenty of - only a couple hours of sleep - nights.
There was this adorable 6 month old baby that has yet to sleep through the night...even with following BabyWise.  There was this energetic & silly 3 year old who absolutly thrives off of interaction and structured play.  And then there was this 28 year old mom who was recovering from a sinus infection and dreaming of the night when she could sleep longer than 3 hours at a time.
Like I said, one of those weeks.

I've written about those days that could be considered "Ugly Beautiful" gifts.  
That's where my heart longed to be.  
Breathing prayers of thanksgiving for a healthy baby girl.  Prayers of gratitude for a well adjusted third culture kid.  Stopping and being silent with thoughts of praise flowing for having the opportunity to be a momma to these two gorgeous gals.

On Friday, when Lyllian laid down and Ryleigh was absolutely not wanting to, my husband who knows how to love me so well, told me to go take a nap.  It was fabulous.  Seriously.
When I woke up, Steve told me that one of our national friends had called while I was sleeping.  His 2 year old nephew had died the day before.  They were calling to see if Steve could drive them and the body to the buiral site on Saturday morning.

I sat down.  I couldn't breathe.  My heart broke.

I couldn't help but think about how those things that I was calling "ugly beautiful" were really not so ugly after all.  This little boy had a high fever, that turned into an infection, and the doctor simply told the family he didn't know how to treat it.  

Now that little boy is gone.

He will never keep his momma up in the middle of the night.
He will never ask his daddy to play ball with him.
He's gone.

Gut punch.

At that point both girls were asleep and all I wanted to do was go and crawl in each of their beds and hold them as they slept.  I didn't want to ever say "no" to playing dollhouse or to kicking a ball outside.  I simply wanted to be with them and enjoy them and be ever so grateful for them.
Granted, "one of those weeks" are bound to happen
Granted, "no" does have to be a part of a momma's vocabulary some times
Granted, "ugly beautiful" moments do and will occur - and it's so important to still look for His grace gifts inside of those times.

However, the times that I've considered "ugly" really aren't.  Perhaps, it's better described as finding the beauty in ordinary times as well as extraordinary.  I think I've experienced more "ordinary beautiful" than "ugly beautiful" in my life.  There are others around me who are truly going through "ugly" times and I pray that they are each finding the beautiful gifts He is bestowing in the midst of their circumstances.

It's probable that there will be ugly times ahead at some point.  I still desire to find His beauty in those moments/hours/days/weeks when they do come.

But for now, I think I will commit to seeking out the ordinary beautiful on those harder than normal days.

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