So, I guess I could have just told you why we didn't go out to the bush as planned but I decided to let you in on what was/is going on in my heart too. My hope is that this may serve as an ever present reminder of how desperately we need you to be lifting us in prayer :)
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I've dreamt/thought/desired/wished/prayed/etc for this trip to happen for SO long. 2 days later, I'm still tearing up when I think about that we didn't make it out there. That drive back to Tulear on Tuesday was one filled with extremely conflicting emotions.
There are days since arriving here that are harder than others. We know we are called to be right here but we do miss our family. We miss things that we never knew we would miss, items that made life easier. But, in many ways we were prepared for that part - we expected it. We handle it through His strength.
The thing that caught me most off guard Tuesday was what seemed like a conflict of interest. The Lord has clearly called me to be a mom and He has just as clearly called me to work with the Mahafaly people. An unreached people group that live in isolated & not easily accessible areas. The village we were traveling to is the closest one to Tulear. We made it halfway. Halfway. Perhaps, we shouldn't have even gone that far - maybe I'm a horrible mom for asking my baby girl to endure it that far. I don't know.
How can I be called to work among this people & tell them of His love if I can't even make it out there with my daughter whom I'm also called to work with and tell of His love? It was a tough day. My heart knew all the right answers. My heart was resounding and overflowing with Scripture that He has written there..."I know the plans I have for you"..."He will give him perfect peace, who trusts in the Lord"..."He will give you the desires of your heart"..."Be strong and courageous, do not fear"...and on and on. However, my heart was having a very difficult time communicating with my head (and my eyes which were pouring buckets of water). I wish I could tell you now that everything is okay and that it is all resolved - but it's not. I don't know the answers to all of the questions that ran through my head on Tuesday, but I know the One who does.
One thing that never crossed my mind was coming home...I'm confident that He will see all things to completion that He has started. I don't question His soverignity, even when I can't see the big picture.
I also don't question the importance of your prayers - thank you for being faithful.
If I knew all the answers, there wouldn't be any need for faith.
If it wasn't difficult, then pride would take over and I would think I could do it in my own power.
If there wasn't a way, He would not have designed it.
Thankful that I serve a God who looks at me with all of my sin, questions, doubts, & fears - and still sees one who is able to be used for His glory. Praise the Lord.