Where Would You Like To Go?

June 27, 2013

Momma Issues

Not all of you have known me since college but during that time I was medically informed it would be very difficult to ever bear a child of my own.  That my best “shot” was to try as soon as possible because as time passed, my chances would diminish even more so (I was 19 at the time and not married).  

Fast forward seven years, and we have Ryleigh.  Ryleigh is a true gift in every sense of the word.  Being her mother is a treasure, a joy, and one of the biggest responsibilities I’ve ever known.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say how overwhelmed I feel at any given moment of any day knowing that she is my daughter and I have been entrusted with her care.  He has been EVER so faithful in proving His wisdom and His direction as Steve & I parent and love on her.  
And now, we’re pregnant again.  Something we had no idea if we’d ever be the first time, and much less a second.  If I could ever stop crying it’d be laughable…I mean really?  On those days that I feel are the absolute best, it's because I have spent my whole day talking to the Lord about Ryleigh, asking how to do what, asking for forgiveness of doing something the wrong way, and then just for Him to carry me by the time it’s 9am – and now He’s given us a second child?  I fall on my face too many times to count already – this 2nd child is bound to only ever see the back of my head!
It scares me...this being a mom of two children.  Sure women do it all the time, I mean, I’m not talking about 12 children – just two.  But how?  I’m so far away from figuring this motherhood thing out and while I might can fool some, I can't fool Him.  And I know…I know…I know that I’m not supposed to.  That I’m supposed to depend on Him and allow Him to impart wisdom in all areas of motherhood and my life in general, but the thing is I still get in the way.  He knows every time I act selfishly, He knows every weakness.  
He knows when: 
I get frustrated for no (Godly) reason.  I raise my voice.  I say no to playing dolls b/c I have other more “important” things to do.  I wish she'd stop talking for just a few minutes when my head hurts…

and then He’s there – the Spirit…tugging away at my heart, at my brain – 
asking me what in the world am I doing?  

And I sigh, I tear up, and I turn around...
I squat down, look in those gorgeous blue eyes, smile...
and tell her how much I love her.  
She crinkles up those eyes and says “very very much mommy?” 
and I say “very (kiss) very (kiss) very (kiss) much baby girl”.  
Just like that her world is right again, she’s hopping down the hall ready to play, ready to help, ready to read, ready to be a toddler – 
while I’m left spinning, whirling around in the guilt of the moments I’ve lost – 
the moments I’ll lose - to my own selfishness.

I try, I really do...
I try to remember to not tell her to move all of her dolls out of the kitchen and instead pay attention to the fact that she’s reenacting everything I’m doing with her dolls.  
I try to remember to not be in a rush and plop her up on the counter to help stir up the cookies and roll them into balls.  
It means it will take longer, it means that no matter how many times we’ve washed those tiny little hands that undoubtedly a little mud or piece of grass or a sticker may end up in someone’s cookie.  
And I try to remember that – 
there is grace.  
His grace is sufficient.  
Which brings me back to this 2nd baby.  I struggle daily.  I am thankful, please don't misunderstand.  I just recognize the responsibility that these children are and I know my failures all too well.  I have "motherhood amnesia" daily from things He taught me the day before.  How oh how will I be an effective, Godly mom to two of these beautiful souls?  I know the answer.  I know HE is the answer.  I know it even as I’m struggling, even as I’m typing.  Praise Him for things He taught me as a child so that even when I am old(er) – and struggling daily – I will not depart from it.  I know that He has never asked me to do anything alone – that He has created me in my mother’s womb – that He knit me together.  I know that He knows my thoughts, my weaknesses, and that my brain suffers from daily motherhood amnesia – 
and I know that He says: 
He is ENOUGH.  
He is WISDOM.  
He is the FATHER.  
He is LOVE.  

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