In the Castle

Ann Voscamp, author of A Thousand Gifts & this amazing blog, and her daughter are currently in Uganda and I’ve been following their trip on her blog.  She’s been sharing about how she feels like Esther in the castle and that she’s there for "such a time as this" to help those outside the gates.  It's hitting home pretty strongly living here in Mada...the poor here are everywhere.  The only way to not see them is to stay inside our house “castle” and not go outside the gate – yes there are literal gates here around most homes.  My heart is so burdened to help, to sacrifice, to love…but what is even more important to me is something Ann wrote on her blog – that I don’t want to sacrifice to ease my consciousness but I want to sacrifice to ease their pain – to truly hurt over my sacrifice.    Words can be so beautiful and well written that they can move us to tears, stir our hearts…but what about moving to action?  We are each in the place we are for a reason.  For such a time as this. 

So here lies the dilemma – I miss things.  I miss convenience.  I enjoyed walking in Walmart and buying any food I wanted.  I enjoyed the choices.  I enjoyed having Mexican and it taste exactly like I thought it would.  I enjoyed brushing my teeth with tap water, ordering tap water at a restaurant, and not wondering if Ryleigh would get sick over swallowing a bit of tub water.  I enjoyed refrigerated Pillsbury dough and donut runs.  I enjoyed fresh, cold milk.  And...I feel guilt over it.  I’m back here, in Mada, and thinking of the 1000s of differences between here and there.  I think about these people who live in poverty that surround me and think how far beyond their comprehension these things are.  I feel heavy hearted.  I feel gross, selfish, and like the most non compassionate person that’s ever lived (my husband says I'm a bit dramatic...but seriously).

How do I balance it?  Should it be balanced?  Am I trying to straddle the fence of living in the world and being/not being a part of it?  I don’t know.  I don’t have the answer.  Not yet.  But I’m seeking.  I’m seeking to know what His truth is because I know it’s not hidden – I know it’s written plainly in His word, I just have to be brave enough to read it and know that I’m held accountable for the commands He has given His children.

For Such A Time As This