A Struggle

What’s been going on here? Well a bit (aka a lot) of morning sickness, a bit (aka a little bit) of toddler homeschool, a bit of “surviving”, and a bit of tear stained face-get your feet muddy-throw your hands in the air- wrestling with the Lord.  Ha. Although wrestling sounds like such a strong word when I feel so very weak.

Some will say this post is due to crazy pregnancy hormones but all I know is that the Lord uses everything for His glory…right?!?

I’ve been struggling…going through a fire if you will.  Now granted my “fire” may look a lot different than some of yours.  I know there are people who I love and care about who are struggling with awaiting test results, cancer, literal fires that have burned down homes, tornado damage, divorce, and the list could go on.  I guess that’s why I’ve been timid to write.  I look at my seemingly ridiculous (in the long run) struggles and wonder why bother to write it out.  However, He’s showing me that it’s not up to me or you the fires we go through…they all hurt, they’re all painful, and He can bring good (His best) out of them.

That said, here we go...

Leaving the States was hard – much harder than I thought it would be - than I wanted it to be.  My heart, for as far back as I can remember, has been for Africa and suddenly I felt as if I were leaving part of it in MS.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on – it scared me and I honestly felt guilt over it (and still am to be even more honest).  I’ve often said that I miss family, but there was never a desire to truly stay in the States.  I just always thought if I could just get those people that I love so dearly over here in Mada that life would be perfect.  But that day leaving, and in the days that followed, I was truly struggling with physically wanting to be in the States.  I grieved over the events, moments, and memories that we would miss as a family.  I had seen how much Ryleigh fell in love with the people I love so much and it was wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.  Finally, I realized that the bottom line wasn't (once again) about me actually wanting to be in MS but rather wanting to be with the people.  What I was desiring was the memories that come from time spent together not confined to a certain location.  

One night, as I was trying to fall asleep and the tears were coming ever so steady…He showed me that there was nothing wrong with that…that is Heaven.  In the home that I was created to be in –my family will be there and so will my brothers & sisters here in Mada.  People from every culture, every language, every skin color, those who know Christ as their Savior will be there worshiping Him together.  And as many times as I feel like I’ve thrown my hands up in the past few weeks, how could I not do it again? Out of worship?  Out of surrender?  Out of that seemingly ever present reminder that I am so insignificant on my own?

Another missionary family that serves in Africa recently did a blog that captured exactly what I've been feeling.  The title was, "...when your heart is torn between being where God has called you to and where you actually want to be"  In it he says, "I know, be content where God has called you.  Don’t worry, my theology is still in order... I know God has called me here.  I know God is all I need.  I know God has a purpose.  I know all these things... and still my body wishes it could join my heart and mind sitting (in MS for me!)... doing life together with them once again."