Never Once

I'm not sure I have the words to adequately express what it feels like to wake up at 3:30 am with a sick child after getting in the bed at 3:00am from feeding the baby.  I continue to be at a loss for how to describe what it feels like to know your sick child seems to not be in control of what her body is doing.  Or to know people are boarding a flight right in front of you that could have taken you home.  Or to have your baby girl go limp and pass out in your arms.  I just don't have the words.
It was intense.
It was scary.
I screamed when it happened...loudly...
In those moments right after it happened...the moments that should have been defined by fear & chaos...there was peace.  Now, we had no idea what to do or how to go about doing the next thing BUT there was indeed peace.  I can't make this kind of thing up.  It was His peace.  I had no idea what was wrong, if it was going to happen again, or if it was a random incident...but I knew that He knew.

Sleeping at the airport

Rewind to almost 4 years ago when we found out we were pregnant with Ryleigh.  I can't tell you how many people asked us if we were taking her to Madagascar with us.  Some honestly couldn't believe it and more than likely thought we were horrible parents for doing so.  And if I'm completely transparent with you then I have to say that there have been times since arriving in Madagascar that I wonder if it's the right place for her.  We are far away from any type of specialized medical care, yes, that means things (not good/fun things) could happen when we're in Mada and there would be no doctor who could help us.  As a parent, the fear of those things can be crippling.  However, no matter where the worrier/sinner in me lets my mind wander, my heart (praise the LORD) knows the Truth.  I know that He knows the number of the hairs on my girls' heads.  I know that His love for them makes my own look tiny.  And I know He has called them to Mada just as He has called us - lack of medical care & all.

Packing up for our move to Mada - July 2011

So, back to present day...it seems, at the moment, that is what He's teaching me through today.  He's reminding me that they are His and not mine.  Whispering to me that my girls are gifts from Him, entrusted to me & Steve but belong to Him and His glory.  This episode today could have easily happened in Madagascar - far away from decent medical care...and that would have been okay.  He would have still been in control.  That knowledge helped me remember today that it wasn't about how fast we could get to the ER but how fast we could come before His throne.  Am I thankful to be in a place where we could go to an ER?  absolutely.  but an ER doesn't save lives...He does.  He may use an ER to do so and for that I am grateful.  follow me?  It was a reminder that He cares for them & has perfect plans for them.  Of course, His plans for them may be scary for this momma sometimes but they will ALWAYS be about bringing Him glory & praise.  What more could a momma ask for?

As nurses tried to draw blood today from a very tired, very sick, & very frightened little girl - the Lord had me singing one of her favorites to her..."I Love You, Lord"...when they were finished (& she was finished crying) she held my hand and said "that's my favorite song momma".  He was there, every step of the way...through songs, through prayers, through texts - never once did He leave us on our own - He is faithful.

Tonight, as I tucked her in - she joined in her night time song and sang the words "prepare her heart Lord to love you only" and I couldn't hold the tears back anymore.
That is the mission.  That we would all love Him only.
What a reminder on this untypical Valentine's Day...