Tuesday Thoughts

It will come as no surprise to most of you that I have been sick for a large portion of this 27 weeks of pregnancy.  As far as compared to my first pregnancy the two have been radically different.  There have been many jokes made about how "easy" my being pregnant with Ryleigh was and I was within walking distance of fantastic doctors & an easy car ride to a 1st world hospital vs now being so sick and living in a 3rd world country.  Slightly ironic...don't ya think?

There have been countless prayers lifted up for our health and for wisdom.  He has been gracious & faithful to provide over & over for all that we need.  We are grateful...but, I feel the need to be honest with you - transparent as I can, though we live 1/2 a world away from most of you.  I have been - and sometimes still am - frustrated.

I'm not a "bed rest" kinda gal.  I like doing...I enjoy productivity...I feel a sense of accomplishment in checking things off the proverbial "to do" list.  When these things don't happen, I don't quite feel like myself.  I feel shame, guilt, and like I am being a hinderance to everyone in my life.  No matter how it may sound at this point, it's truly not in a "pity party" type of way...it's in a  "I truly want to get off the couch/bed and DO something."  And don't think for a moment that there weren't days during the 1st trimester "all day sickness" and this 2nd trimester when I tried, when I pushed myself to do far more than I should have been doing.  My body (and Lyllian's) would be quick to remind me that I simply couldn't & needed to stop.  Enter more frustration.

This morning, I woke up feeling queasy.  I literally sighed and pushed myself out of bed, refusing to stay in a moment longer.  I came to the living room & "Revelation Song" was the first one playing as I turned on my computer.  "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, worthy, worthy is He."  His peace was flowing but I was hesitant.  I just wanted to feel healthy.  I longed to spend a day of keeping up with our active toddler and not telling her that we could pick one thing to do & then I'd need to rest.
And then my eyes read these words..."Intellectually you rejoice in My sovereignty, without which the world would be a terrifying place. But when My sovereign will encroaches on your little domain of control, you often react with telltale resentment." - Jesus Calling, Sarah Young.   I sat up a little straighter...this was it.

This was my problem...my sin.  I forgot that I am not in control.  I forgot that His sovereignty transcends everything - even the day to day things.  "Remember that all good things—your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time—are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!" - Jesus Calling, Sarah Young.

Everything in this life is a gift.  The breaths we take, the opening/closing of our eyes, the beat of our heart...none of those things do we deserve but so often I just expect them.  I expect good health.  I expect for our daughter to run (and talk) full speed ahead every day.  I expect Steve to come home safely from the bush. If I live my life this way, what happens the day I wake up to find things different from how I expected?  It's not pretty - that's for sure.  However, if I remember to find His gifts, His grace in each of the day to day "normal" things then I will be ever reminded of His faithfulness & sovereignty. He can enable me to wake up to an abnormal day, and have praise on my lips...perhaps with tears in my eyes but praise nonetheless. He has chosen at this moment to bless me with the gift of rest, the gift of a growing baby girl in my tummy, the gift of a toddler who has boundless energy, and the gift of a husband who has returned home safely from the bush...but at any moment that He sees fit those gifts could change.

For who am I to know what the moments that lie ahead hold?  As Job says "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away...BLESSED be His name".